The Hidden Mine/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] [ harold laughs ] here's the man I call "uncle," my uncle, husband to the woman I call "aunt," and favorite and only brother to the man I call "dad." here he is -- red green! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. And, uh, welcome, all of you, to the show. Uh, how are you today, harold? Wa-a-a! Ever excellent, as always. Wa-a-a! Oh, yeah, that's right -- you don't get sick, do you, harold? You're more of a carrier. I'm not just a carrier. I'm a laser transporter. [ keyboard clacking ] [ laughs ] well, we've been having a bit of fun, uh, this week up at the lodge. The guys were looking at some of that, uh, bungee jumping, you know, where they, uh, tie a big jock strap onto your ankle and heave you off a bridge, you know? And then the blood all rushes to your head, and you damn near kill yourself. It makes you feel young again, apparently. You know, actually, that bungee jumping is not safe, and it's been banned in a lot of areas -- cement areas, I think. Well, of course, we can't afford the real official, uh, bungee-jumping gear or anything. But junior singleton got the idea that if you climb to the top of a real springy tree, like a willow something... And, say, tie your foot off to the top branch, and then you just dive, it's got to be the same effect, really, you know. [ laughs ] you got to be a pretty good idiot to do that. Well, thanks for volunteering, harold. Uh, but we got a whole lineup of guys ahead of you. In fact, uh, they're waiting for this rope, so maybe we should, uh, get on with the show. Oh, yeah, okay. Sure, excellent, because we have a superiorly excellent show for you this evening. Pretty much the same as all the others, as far as I know. He has no understanding of the television business. [ keyboard clacking ] obviously. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I often look back ♪ ♪ as I get older ♪ ♪ at the fun we had with murphy's boulder ♪ ♪ it was 6 feet across, must've weighed 9 tons ♪ ♪ round and smooth as a baby's buns ♪ ♪ we'd leave messages on it ♪ ♪ and lean against it ♪ ♪ it was like a friend who was solid and true ♪ ♪ then after dark, we'd roll it into the lake ♪ ♪ and watch boats smack into it really, really hard ♪ oh, that's good enough. This week on, uh, "handyman corner," we're gonna show you something that you can do with that old wreck of a car that you may have sitting out on your front lawn, say, or perhaps wedged into the garden shed. Now, up here at the lodge, of course, when a car gets too dangerous to drive, we just sell it to another member. But what do you do when a car literally falls to pieces? Sell it as a kit car? [ grunts ] now, a lot of people would, uh, see this big pile of crap and figure, "well, this is no longer a viable means of transportation." but a lot of people are not me. I look at this stuff... [ grunts ] ...And I say, with a little elbow grease and some imagination, I can build myself a free 10-speed bicycle. Golly, if the motor hadn't seized up, I could build a moped. All right, the first thing you need to make yourself a, uh, two-wheel bicycle, of course, is two wheels. Uh, I got four to choose from, so I threw the two ugly ones away, and I got harold's toothbrush and cleaned all the roadkill out of the treads of these. [ grunts loudly ] you want to make sure that there's, uh, no leaks in these things, so, uh, what you do is you take the tire and just stick her down into a -- into a bucket of water and watch for, uh, the bubbles coming to the surface, sort of like, uh, old man sedgwick in possum lake. And we just put that down there, easy as pie. Uh, it's a little small for... All right, uh... Well, we'll assume there's no leaks there. Now, I'm gonna need to make a, uh, frame for the bicycle. By golly, this will work, right here. Exhaust system out of the unit. This should be... That should be fine. Right. Oh, no wonder gas stations are so messy. All right, uh, take a hacksaw, and you want to start, uh, hacking this thing up. You'll need, uh, three 2-foot lengths and two 3-foot lengths, so that's three 2's and two 3's, uh, which is a full house, I believe. By golly. Boy, uh, hacksaws are fragile things, aren't they? All right, so, uh, once you got your pipe cut, uh, you got enough pieces now to start building your frame. You might just want to file those edges a little smoother, especially if you ride a bike in shorts. Now, to put all the pieces together, you can use stove bolts or, uh, you could use a welding torch or you could use -- that's right -- the handyman's secret weapon... Duct tape. Got another roll there, harold? And, uh, there you have it. And if that isn't a real, uh, head-turner of a bicycle frame, I don't know what is. Now, this muffler is a dandy place to hold water for you long-distance riders who can't hold your water. And, uh, you're probably thinking to yourself, uh, "what am I gonna use for pedals?" ah, here we go, here we go. How about, uh, window winders? And then, uh, for a chain, not much of a -- oh, here we go. Here we are. We'll just, uh, run a fan belt, uh, from the pulley up to another pulley, and there we go there. And as far as, uh, the gears go and whatever, uh, cars are full of gears -- gears everywhere in a car. That's not gonna be a problem. You see, the secret is... To make do with what you have. This is not just re-cycling. It's bi-cycling. So, uh, I'll get this all rigged together, but it's gonna take a little while. Uh, why don't you go back to the show? And when I get her all done, I'll have you come back in here and... I get to do a little showing off. And now it's that part of the show where we expose the three little words that men find so hard to say -- "I don't know." [ laughs ] and here now is the expert, my uncle red, and, of course, his good friend oh, mr. Hap shaughnessy, local fisherman and raconteur. All righty. "dear, experts, "there's a guy at work that drives us all crazy. "whenever he tells you something, "it's so full of lies and exaggerations "that you can't believe any of it. What's with this guy?" well, hap, this sounds like it's more in your area. Well, it's a self-confidence problem. People who stretch the truth are generally trying to make themselves more important than they really are, just to make up for their poor self-image. That's very insightful. Yeah, that's what sigmund "frood" told me. But the very worst bragger and boaster that I ever met was on one of our climbs up everest. We had seven attempts. All of them were successful. But you should've heard this guy and the stories that came out of his mouth -- space expedition, running the two-minute mile, playing billiards with the pope. I happen to know the pope only plays stripes and solids. But this guy got to me so much, I had to leave the tent. I had to get out of there and sleep on the glacier. Better to risk another encounter with the abominable snowman than spend any more time with this man. Yeah, I know where you're coming from there, hap. But, of course, I didn't expect the avalanche. 350,000 tons of snow cleaved off of that mountain and landed right on my knee. The bad knee. I wanted to scream, but some of the crew was still sleeping, so I quietly just tried to dig myself out a bit. And after a few hours, I came upon this guy, the same guy, lying there unconscious, his head stuck in an ice crevice. And I had a 7-pound pick with me, and I could've chipped him out. But I couldn't guarantee he'd still have ears. Right now, I would envy someone without ears. Yeah. So, I tried this little trick that I learned during the war from de gaulle. I, uh, I melted the guy out of there... With a pot of hot coffee and a turkey baster. And, uh, how about your self-confidence, hap? You think you have a poor self-image? Used to... Before I was knighted. Don't ask him, harold. "it is spring. "the bears emerge from hibernation, "desperate for cohabitation. "the birds fly home to mate and nest. "the salmon return to spawn and rest. "the deer come back to rut and roam. What I'm saying is, 'hi, honey. I'm home.'" and, uh, there you have it. She's, uh, pretty well all rigged up. Looking pretty good, isn't it? Uh, got the horn on here. I call that the matterhorn 'cause it's a mountain bike. And I, uh, put reflectors all over the back and so forth, so I can do some night riding. And I've got -- got the light on the front here. Remember the old-fashion generators you used to have on your bike? Well, I just -- actually, that one's -- that one is an alternator. But, uh, she's pretty well set to go. That little wind indicator right under the seat makes sense. And, uh, let's just take her for a spin. [ exhales sharply ] uh, okay, that muffler's still a little bit warm. Got to watch for that. Uh, I guess we'd mount her something -- I'll just climb right up. Um... All right, well, I got to tighten a few things up. Maybe I need another couple of rolls of duct tape. Uh, and I'll, uh -- I'll, uh... I'll take care of that -- maybe thin out the frame and what have you and, uh... And fix her all up, and I think she'll look quite a bit different by the time I do this properly. I'll just make... Cut. And that's all it takes -- that little extra time and effort, and I've made this into a, uh, really a lovely, uh, 10-speed bike that, coincidentally, looks exactly like harold's bike. That's how good -- good of a job I've done, right down to the name on it and even the dents. It's just amazing. I'm -- I'm pretty proud of that. Anyway, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Harold, we've traded bikes, by the way. Harold, harold, harold? [ crash ] well, as it turns out, the, uh, diameter of the tree and the springiness, uh, didn't turn out to be nearly as important as, say, the strength of the rope. Whoa! Whoa, what happened to the rest of the rope? Well, uh, a lot of it is still tangled around the top of a tree, and the rest is kind of knotted around moose's nether regions. Boy, I -- boy, that must've really hurt when moose hit the ground 'cause he's, you know, a big eater. Yeah, he's a big faller, too. He was doing a swan dive there, and I believe he'd be hitting about a mach 4 when he struck pay dirt. Luckily, he landed on that pile of scrap iron and bricks we had left, remember, when the propane tank went up. Yeah, so, that kind of broke his fall. But, uh, he hit so hard that he actually cracked the earth's crust. Is the planet gonna be okay? Oh, it'll -- it'll heal, harold. But, you know, when we all stopped laughing and so on, we went over to him, and we rolled him over. And, uh, there was like an underground cavern there. A grotto? Well, he was for a while. But we looked closer, and it wasn't just a cavern. It was -- it was an abandoned mine. A mine?! Yeah. This is excellent! That's great! Like a gold mine? A platinum mine -- platinum? Could be a diamond mine. Diamond mine -- we'd be rich. If we had diamonds, we'd be rich. Wa-a-a! It could be a diamond mine. This is exciting! Yeah, and to think it all started with something as harmless as tree diving. [ chuckles ] go figure. [ keyboard clacking ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there's a secret to survival that all the woodsmen know ♪ ♪ and I'm about to pass it on to you ♪ ♪ never run when you can walk ♪ ♪ never stand when you can lie ♪ ♪ and never lie with a half truth ♪ ♪ or, in fact, not answering at all will do ♪ red: Well, for, uh, for this week's "adventures with bill," he had invited me to come down and, uh, have a little picnic out behind the lodge, which I thought -- had some ice-cream cones there. So, I love ice cream. But it was a -- it was a beautiful day, and you know something? Me on a hot summer day in -- oh, oh. [ bubbling ] all right, well, uh, I don't think I was that late. Luckily, I had somewhere to clean my hand off, anyhow. And some butter there, and... All right, now, at this point, we're starting, and he got some ice cubes, and... Yes, I see, I see. I think what bill is trying to say here is that the sun melts stuff. Now, bill, apparently, was gonna teach me some highly secret scientific principles, which is... Which is how you can make a refrigerator... Whoa! ...Out in the woods. Okay, so, he puts all the stuff that he wants to keep cool inside that -- clean off the table. Oh, my gosh. And now, that is, like, a potato bag, burlap bag. Oh, oh. Could've been worse. I could've been standing over there. And then you thread the rope up through here. And, uh, now, this is real interesting, 'cause what you're gonna do is you're gonna cover up all that stuff, put the thing right over top of it, and that keeps it -- now, I figure, "okay, that's the shade. You're gonna keep it in the shade," but no, no. You hang it up in the trees so that the animals, I guess, can't get it and what have you. And now, to keep it cool, you need some sort of a -- oh, luckily, he had a pie plate in his pants there. And then he just -- ow! He's using one of my -- how did that -- oh, well. He's using that as kind of a wick thing. And then he puts water in the plate. I think it's called capillary action. Takes the water down through the -- oh, oh. No, no. That -- that's gravity action. Anyway, that keeps it cool. The water evaporated or something. I don't know how it works, but, apparently, it works real well. Well... I guess not all that well. And here's another thing. This is a bag that's got holes -- a mesh bag. He shouldn't have put his fingers in there. We're gonna try and put some of the pop, the soda in -- oh, oh, oh. All right. Well, bill's cooler already, so it's working. Now, he puts all the cans of soda pop in there, and take them down. And the idea here is you tie a rope to it, and you throw it out into the -- into the lake. You know, it's cooler at the bottom and so on. And, uh, actually there should be -- there's a couple of fridges down here, I think. Oh. Good. All right, well, I'm gonna -- I'm gonna help him out. I mean, I understand. This is not very scientific. I think the water's cooler than the air. It's gonna keep the pop cool. So I tell bill to hold onto the rope. I should've told him -- my fault -- I should've told him to hold onto the end of the rope. Whoa! He's scientific. He's not smart. Now we go back, and we wait for the pop to cool. And we wait there five, six... It was probably around seven seconds, I guess. And then we decided, you know, we worked up a pretty powerful thirst. So, uh, bill hauls it in. And, uh, haul her in there, bill. Ho, ho, heave, ho. Ho, heave. Boy, oh, boy. That's a scary sight. Anyway, up she comes, and, uh, we each get out a can of pop. Of course, she's been shaken up pretty good there. So, uh, I forgot -- bill's getting a big laugh out of me here 'cause I covered myself with sticky... Oh, that's funny, isn't it, bill? What? Yours okay? Aah! Now here's something for young minds from something with a small mind. Yo, welcome to "hanging with harold," a brand-new feature on "the red green show," which I'm sure is gonna be of interest to anyone under the age of 80. Wa-a-a! [ keyboard clacking ] okay, nobody tells you how to be a teenager, but everybody tells you how not to be one, right? Like, "don't leave your room a mess," "don't leave that fridge door open all night," "don't go stealing a car and go joyriding." wa-a-a! That's why kids join gangs, so they know how to behave -- that and, you know, to protect them from other gangs, of course. Well, okay, well, if there's gonna be gangs, why can't there be, like, good gangs? Wa-a-a! How about taking your switchblade, applying it to the end of a stick, pick up litter. Huh? [ chuckles ] instead of drive-by shootings, we could have, like, drive-by science classes. Did you know the peregrine falcon flies up to 170 miles per hour? Wa-a-a! Imagine the united way gang versus the unicef way gang in, like, in a fundraiser. Huh? That'd be pretty neat. Or instead of street fights, we could have, like, street theater, right? Because, remember, the gang in "west side story," they all sang and danced, didn't they? ♪ when you're a jet ♪ huh? Remember? [ fingers snapping ] hey, wrap it up there, harold. There's a gang forming out here. Oh, excellent! [ chuckles ] uh, I don't think you'll say that when you see what they did to your bike. E-excellent. Sorry, harold. I couldn't stop them. They were big girls. You know, they say that the young people are the future of this country. Well, I saw some young people today hanging out at murray's store. And from what I can tell, the future is gonna be bald on the sides with a long piece of hair on top, spit, swear, smoke, and wear pants that are five sizes too big for it. I said to them, "boy, if you people are the future, I'm glad I'll be dying soon." and they seemed pleased with that themselves. [ grunts ] was that an extra club there, bob? Oh, hi, red. No, I was, uh, conducting an air-density test for the department of natural resources. You see how that, uh, how that drifted and then caught a thermal? It's very important environmental data stuff. Oh? If I can just do the same test with the ball... Oh, sorry. [ exhales deeply ] oh, bob, bob. [ grunts ] bob, bob, bob, bob, bob, bob, bob. Here, give me that, give me that. The problem is you can't read the wind-speed thermal stuff and hit the ball at the same time. So -- so I'll do the easy part. All right. Oh, uh, red, uh... Try -- there's a sand trap on the left side, so try and stay on the right side. Yeah, all right. Hmm. That's...That's right on the green, red. Yeah, yeah. That's good, too. All right. Listen, would you -- let me take that. Would you I'd like to finish my round for me? Well, did -- did you get the wind information you needed from the ball there? Hmm? Oh, yeah, well, don't worry about that. We got 35 more holes to play. You know, bob, I wanted to ask you -- do you know anything about an old mine, uh, over on the east side of the lodge, maybe a long time ago? Oh, yeah. Yeah, they closed that mine about 50 years ago. It was an old coal mine. Oh. But it never produced enough coal to pay for itself, so, of course, they -- they sold it to the government. Well, everybody and his brother had a suggestion about, uh, what to do with the old mine shaft. "make it into a garbage dump." "store nuclear missiles." "make an underground skyscraper." uh, stinky peterson here, uh, wants to put an outhouse over it. "it won't have to move for 1,000 years." uncle red, did you happen to read my suggestion? No. No, I haven't yet, harold. But, boy, we got one -- we got a funny one. This guy... [ laughs ] what an idiot. This guy... [ laughs ] this guy -- this guy -- oh, this guy says, "why don't you use..." [ laughs ] "...Use the mine shaft as a..." [ laughs ] "...As a time capsule?" [ laughs ] oh, man. Oh, sorry, harold, sorry. Well, uh throat old man sedgwick, now, he said what he would like to do is he'd like to mine gasoline. How -- how would that work? Well, it wouldn't, harold, basically. But it just goes to show what we already knew, which is old man sedgwick doesn't know his gas from a hole in the ground. [ screeching ] oh, uncle red, it's meeting time, meeting time. Okay, harold, you go ahead. I'll be right down. Okay. Well, uh, that's about our show for this time. So, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And, uh, I think I found an ideal retirement home for your parents, as long as they don't mind the smell of coal. And for the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching ] all rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati.